This was distracting me, so I thought I’d get it out of the way


It seems to be a little poem, what I wrote just now:


Oh, Lawnmower man
How I hate you.

It is not possible that your lawn needs mowing
Every day, every day
ery day, ever
y day.

You have a tractor.
How pleasant for you.
You sit at your ease and ride, ride, ride.

Either you wear earmuffs
Or you are Deaf.
One or the other, it cannot be neither.

I cannot see you to tell,
So I am using pure logic, here.

I think you must hate your wife.
You say, “Oh, no, dear, I cannot converse
With you on a lovely sunny afternoon,
For as you can see, the lawn needs mowing.”

Or it is your wife who hates you?
“Fool of a man, must I listen to your blatherings
When as you can see, the lawn needs mowing?”

The lawn needs mowing every single day.
The grass cannot be permitted a fractional inch,
A centimeter of freedom.

Perhaps you are studying golf-course maintenance.
If so, when are your finals?
I will send you champagne when you graduate.

But, no, it has been five years now.
I fear you have failed in your ambitions.
Find a new dream.

One day I shall push through the brambles
Scratching my arms on the thorns, crushing
The poor little leaves as I tear through.
I will stride across your perfect perfect
Perfect grass, and come up behind you.

I’ll snatch those high-tech noise-blocking
Earmuffs from your head. You will turn
In surprise, and shut off the motor,
Agog at the madwoman.

I will speak.

I will say oh so many, many things.
They will startle and amaze you.

And if it should be that you actually are
I will say exactly the same in American Sign Language.
Because I have that ability.
So be warned.

No escape for you,
As there is none for me.

8 Responses to “This was distracting me, so I thought I’d get it out of the way”

  • Grey Walker Says:

    Oh my. This is brilliant. So, so brilliant.

  • Leigh Butler Says:

    Poetry for surburbia. I like it.

    When you live in a NY apartment building, the equivalent of Lawnmower Man is Vacuum Woman. Argh.

  • Liz Says:

    Him and his legions of airbender warriors. The leafblowers shall conquer the Earth!

    • Rosemary Says:

      Liz —

      Send in the firebenders to burn up the leaves first! Then the waterbenders to wash all the ashes down into the gutters!

      And the earthbenders to, I don’t know, throw rocks at the airbenders! Bury the leafblowers under boulders! Make the ground open up and swallow all Lawnmower men!

  • Linnea Rowlatt Says:

    Heh. Very good.

    May I print it out and deliver it to one of my neighbours?